Self-Discovery?

I've been thinking lately. A lot. Thinking about the past. Thinking about the future. Thinking about how I got here...

It's an interesting feeling admitting that you too have issues. It's strange to look in the mirror and realise that sometimes the things we're most judgemental of in others are the things that we don't like about ourselves...

I have a hard time in relationships. A really hard time. I will open my heart to absolutely anyone, but that's not to say I trust them. I have given myself so completely to others without even a moments hesitation, in an almost desperate bid to gain love.

I realised something tonight. I had a moment of clarity after several tears had escaped whilst lamenting the state of my love life. I realised that I spend my whole life waiting for people to leave me, and pushing them away as much as I can. I judge people easily, almost so that if I can identify what's wrong with them I can stop them from hurting me. I have had and lost a lot of good friends over the years. People who I cared greatly about initially, and then cast away at the first sign of a flaw... A terrible habit I picked up from my stepmum...

And I know where it all stems from. I think there are two relationships in my life that could almost solely be responsible for my attitude towards people I care about. They are: the mother who didn't want me and the boy who didn't love me back.

It's hard to say who affected me more... I'd be lying if I said I never thought about either of them.

I never talk about my mother. I really don't see the point. She fucked up. And she did it on a grand, royal scale. I know that I am ok with her not being in my life, but I think I struggle with the fact that she was ok with me not being in hers... I don't think that would be an unusual way for a discarded child to feel. At age 14 my mother let me go as if she didn't care at all. Over 10years later and her attitude hasn't changed. I'm ok with that though. I've accepted her feelings towards me, it's the rejection all those years ago that I struggle with. I am incredibly lucky to have a father who didn't turn his back on me, but at the same time our relationship is also somewhat strained. I have no desire nor intention of attempting to change my relationship (or lack there of...) with my mother, but it makes me sad that I've let it affect other relationships.

And the boy. The boy who was my best friend for many years, but who never loved me back, and sold me out almost every other day. It's funny what people will put up with when they're in love. I have also accepted that that relationship will never resolve itself, but for some reason I've never been able to fully turn my back on it. He was beautiful and he broke my heart. That is the full story. I loved him and he loved someone else. I think the thing that hurts the most though is that he always kept me dangling on a string... He knew how I felt and he played on it. A lot. There is no point laying blame on him though. As good old Dr Phil says, we teach others how we want to be treated. I was the silly idiot who let him do it repeatedly. That definitely makes me the fool...

Anyway, I don't know what the point of writing all this down was, other than that I needed to write it, as if that was the only way for it to really be real. Oh well, I guess it's out there now, there's no taking it back...