But I can't sleep because I want to tell him that I don't love him as much anymore.
It's silly. I know that. It's not even true. But I want to lash out at him. A bit like a wounded animal I guess.
The things I'm angry about are so numerous.
I'm angry because he wanted time to weigh-up whether he cared about me enough. Whether, with an ocean, a desert and a gulf separating us, whether this would be worth the heartache and stress of doing distance. As if 12000km shouldn't make him hesitate just a little, I got angry.
I'm angry because there is a girl who is relentlessly chasing him. Even though I know he's not leading her on or making her feel like she should bother, I'm angry.
I'm angry because he posted photos of cupcakes and workouts on Facebook today on his birthday, but not the balloons I sent him. I told him I'm a private person, when we started dating I wouldn't let him tell anyone because I didn't want to then have to tell people when it ended. But I'm still angry that he isn't announcing my surprise to the world.
I'm angry because he's being careful and not telling the world yet that we're together because it's still such early days. It doesn't matter that it's not even been three months and we're on separate continents, I want him to tell everyone. Like he did when I first got to Dubai. Like he knows this will be forever, even though I keep telling him he doesn't have a crystal ball. So angry.
I'm angry because he wants to cool our contact back to a normal level. Sensible really, given that our initial burst of contact had more to do with him being on the rebound than anything else. Now he sees a future there and thinks with the distance that doing it this way will give it the best chance. He's being sensible, logical. But I don't want to be. I want a million messages a day that tell me how much he loves me. I want crazy, beautiful, irrational love. Until I get it that is. Then I want normal sensible love. I want him to adore me relentlessly as if that will guarantee me that he'll stay, as if that would reassure me. But he won't, and that makes me angry.
I'm angry because he can't promise me this will turn out and I feel insecure. One of the things I love so much about him is how calm I feel in his presence. And even though I know he can't control my emotions, that really he hasn't done anything to make me insecure other than ask for time to weigh-up the risks vs the cons, I'm angry at him for that because I don't want to feel this way. I want to blame him even though it's my issue, I want him to let me be angry at him for something that isn't his fault. So I'm angry that he won't.
But more than anything I'm angry because I love him. And I'm angry with him for making me fall in love with him and then leaving. Because this is a cruel way to fall in love. It's not fair to love someone who is so far away all the time. And I'm angrier because I know that no matter how hard this gets, no matter what hurdles are thrown our way, I will keep loving him and I will keep trying to make this work.
It turns out that I don't love him a little less than before. I'm just angry because I miss him. And really I'm not even angry. Really, at its core, I just miss him.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Location:Bruce Highway,Cairns,Australia
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