Honesty.

Wrote this email to a dear friend this morning and decided to post it because I think I need to re-read it every now and again... It probably seems like an overshare to some people, but given only three people read this blog it's not so bad...


Hey girl,

I had my meltdown last night. It was building. I sent him a message and when I woke-up this morning he still hadn't replied. Last night I just couldn't see past all the sadness and pain and everything that could go wrong. I don't know what it's like for you, but for me I need those moments. Once my adrenaline starts charging like that sometimes the only thing in the world that makes me feel better is crying my eyes out feeling like there's no end, and then I can see everything for what it is again. The joys of being hyperadrenergic.

It was bizarre. Even at the time I knew it wasn't rational and pointless, but I knew I needed to do it. So I cried. I mean I bawled. I let out all the hurt and all the anger at him changing his mind and wanting to slow down, everything I'd been storing up for nearly two weeks I just let out in a matter of minutes. Then, once I was done it was like a breath of fresh air.

Once I'd done that I was able to take a step back and see things for how they are and it summed up like this: i love him and I want this to work, I would move mountains to be with him, but I can't make him want it. And putting pressure on him won't help this get to the outcome I want. So I let go. I let it not be an issue that he hadn't replied to those texts and I didn't worry that he may decide this is too hard, because most of that I have no control over. The only thing in all this that I can control is whether or not I put pressure on him. So I'm going to take ownership of that and just back away and let this all unfold.

I even prayed, which I haven't done in so long. I've been so angry with the way my life has turned out that I was just too angry to pray because I hated that these things were out of my control and I felt like it wasn't fair that someone else got to decide what would and wouldn't happen. But last night I just prayed for the strength to let go of the things I can't control and I kept reminding myself what you said "everything is ok". And now I feel like maybe it is. Even if he calls or texts today and ends this, everything will still be ok.

He knows that I love him. He knows I want to be with him. He knows I will do what we need for this to work. Now I just have to trust that he will make the right decision for himself, and hope that that decision involves having me in his life.

I know there will be low points again, even if he decides to stick around, and I will have moments again where I want to throw it all away and moments where I go insane at the idea that he isn't missing me or doesn't want to talk to me, but I spoke to him on Tuesday. Not hearing from him till Friday is nothing in a lifetime. It doesn't have to happen quickly. He'll call again. And now I just wait and see what that news will be.

I hope I find a way to keep this calm and I will just have to keep reminding myself through the day that "everything is ok", but baby steps.

So thank you, my friend. You've really helped me here.

Steph xx


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Location:Aplin Street,Cairns,Australia